The last few days I’ve been very emotional. I’ve been doing a fair bit of chatting with some of my new-found friends. It came as a big surprise to me that these people I’ve just met are knowledgeable, highly intellectual and very caring. It totally blew away my preconceptions that people put up profiles to hook up with others for sex (cyber or IRL).
I’ve been talking to Jeremy over the last couple of days about a lot of different things, and a lot of it had to do with past experiences of mine. Some good, some bad, all gut-wrenching. Having all these emotions wash over you in such a short span of time makes you really mellow and vulnerable.
Despite that, I’m happy to have brought it all out. For many years, these have been things have been burdens I’ve kept to myself, wanting to share it with someone I could trust but not being able to find such a person in my life. I’m not comfortable with myself yet to come out to my friends or family. The anonymity of the net certainly breaks the tension of speaking out face to face.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a good listener to my friends’ problems and been an advisor and counsellor to them on all kinds of issues including relationships (hetero, of course). I am quite empathic and sometimes to the point of having trouble distinguishing it from my own emotions, and letting them take over my conscious and critical mind. This has resulted in many occasions where I’ve put myself too far involved in others’ problems that I myself am at risk of a breakdown. Conversely, I personally don’t show much emotion in public, tending to keep it all to myself. And bottling up emotion is never a good idea.
I really don’t know what’s the point of this post, I seem to be rambling on without much coherence. I’m exhausted and I need to sleep. Perhaps I’ll edit it again tomorrow.
I’ll admit that my initial goal for joining these online communities was to hook up with other rubber fetishists to explore that aspect of my sexuality through the gear and possibly some play sessions, but I seem to be getting more than what I bargained for, which is a good thing. I just hope I can keep it up.