Escapism

After a disappointing work-related meeting today, I’ve dipped again. Now I have additional things to worry about, job-wise.

On the advice of my best online rubber buddy, (yes, you!), I put on my rubber shirt. My fetish life is my escape from the real world. A chance to clear my mind and be one with myself. My second skin is the one I can truly be comfortable in.

As I sat here, in front of the computer, feeling the rubber tightening around my body, my hands start feeling my body through it. I feel comfortable and reassured. My mind drifts. I close my eyes and think of S and what happened on Sunday, replaying the same thoughts that I’ve been having every night just before I fall asleep, and the first thing when I wake up in the morning. I feel calm and relaxed, a little tingly with chills running up my spine, but also a strong longing for his touch and cuddles which I already miss so much.

Is this what love feels like? Am I in love? I can’t say for sure. But at this time I can only remember the good time I had and cherish it, until the next time I get to see him again.

Rollercoasters

This last couple of weeks have proven to be a mental and emotional rollercoaster ride for me. So many things have been going through my head. It all started with that fateful trip to Club80. That really was the one that opened up Pandora’s Box. It’s the first time I’ve gone out and meet strangers for casual, semi-anonymous sex, and all the risks that come along with that. In the days that followed, I’ve been having waves of worry and panic over my actions and the off-chance that I may have caught a STD or even HIV.

I’m pretty sure I took all the necessary precautions and never engaged in unsafe behavior, but when I came down with flu-y symptoms mid last week, my mind couldn’t shake the thought. Thing is, Melbourne weather turned wet and cold around the same time, and there appears to be a bug going around and half the people I know here have been down with the the flu in the past 2 weeks.

Besides that, I’ve been having vast mood swings. Starting from the weekend I went to Club80, I received my first rubber t-shirt on the following monday and the days that followed, I was on an euphoric high. I felt brave and confident of my own identity and that I had ‘arrived’ as a man. Then suddenly on Wednesday night I had an encounter with a rubberman who was in town visiting. While it was an exciting first play in rubber, but ultimately I left disappointed because in the end it was just sex, without tenderness and companionship. This man had a boyfriend where he came from, and that probably hit me hard that after this, he’d still have someone to go home to and that left me feeling empty inside.

I was in a mild depression for the next few days, questioning my actions and feelings. Why was I feeling so good about myself and it was ‘bad’ behaviour. The angel and the devil on my shoulders were at war, because for the first time in my life, I let the devil out and did ‘naughty’ things, totally out of my character. And the angel wasn’t too happy about that, my enjoyment of those guilty pleasures. It was around then I was coming down with the flu and that gave more cannon fodder for the argument against my promiscuity.

At this point I started forming my own thoughts on what I wanted out of an encounter. The things I liked and the things I didn’t. Setting up my ground rules, and boundries, now that I have had SOME experience and tried a few things with people. For one I’ve decided I don’t want a quick fuck with an anonymous person. I’d rather know him as a friend first, which makes it all the more meaningful, even if it doesn’t lead to anything beyond that.

And it was on Sunday when I got the invitation to meet up, and right off the bat I already stated what I was looking for, and so happened he was agreeable to my terms, and also wasn’t looking for a quick fuck in the dark. That opened me up a bit and who would have thought how it had ended up the way it did.

I guess what happened that day was that I finally realized I had a void in my life i never knew I did. I was lonely and desparate for companionship. I’ve always led an independent life, brushing off suggestions to find a partner and settle down because I want to lead my life the way I want to, and being able to move around as and when I please. Although I’ve had girlfriends before, I’ve never felt this level of intimacy with them. I was so comfortable and at ease with S that night, despite only having known him for a few hours. Everything just felt right. It wasn’t just about the rubber and the sex anymore. I felt connected with him on a deeper level. It’s probably too early to speculate and having any expectations so I will not even attempt to do so, but I’m very happy for what happened to me that fateful night and this week I’m in euphoria again.

A Perfect Day

Sunday started off as a pretty normal, uneventful day. Just relaxing and lazing around the house, going online and chatting with a few buds.

Mid-afternoon, I got a PM (private message) from someone (whom I’ll refer henceforth as “S”) who’s in Melbourne too. We got onto MSN and chatted a bit, and to our mutual surprise we were in the same suburb! We then thought it was a bit silly to chat online so we decided to meet at a cafe nearby for coffee.

I was nervous as usual, but went without expectations, just to see and get to know him. He was at the cafe before me, and was very friendly and we got along pretty well. We chatted about the usual stuff, work and life, then onto our fetishes and rubber. Since we seemed to ‘click’, he asked if i wanted to ‘play’ for a bit, in rubber of course. He said he had some gear which he’d let me try on. I was intrigued but a bit hesitant at first, after all being our first ‘date’ so to speak. But since we were doing things spontaneously today, I agreed. We walked down to our neighbourhood, and he showed me the street he lived at, and I went back home to get my rubber t-shirt.

Half an hour later I was at his place and there was a brief moment of awkwardness, due to nervousness on both of us but was quickly dispelled with some reassuring hugs and kisses. Well, we ended up in his bedroom, with his rubber gear lined up on the bed. While waiting for me he had already put his surf-suit on, and made me put on his rubber jeans, and hooded sports jacket. Everything fit nicely and it felt really good, on top of the t-shirt I already had on. We romped around on the bed for quite a bit… enjoying the feel, smell and sounds of all that rubber on us, and touching our own bodies. It was very horny. I was enjoying the rubber so much, we didn’t even get down to our cocks until much later, and we sucked each other off, with a bit of 69 at some point, and finished each other off by hand.

After we cummed, we snuggled up each other, feeling really good. I felt really comfortable with S and there was definitely a good connection there. We cleaned up and had some food from the kitchen, and watched a dvd in front of the open fireplace in his cosy house. Snuggled up against each other on the couch, it was so romantic. I was in bliss after I came back home, reluctantly. I fell asleep thinking of what happened during the day and the unexpected turn it had taken, for the better.

My Rubber T-shirt

My order from Reactor arrived today! I got the email from them last friday saying they had mailed it out that very afternoon. I was hoping, but not really expecting it to arrive today, but I still checked my mailbox every couple of hours and imagine my surprise when there was a package for me after lunch.

I ripped the package open and took it all in slowly… the feel, the smell, the look of the shiny material. Eventually taking my normal clothes off and putting the rubber one on. Thus began my transformation into a rubberman.

Being a short-sleeve t-shirt with a zippered front, there was no trouble at all putting it on, even without any talc or lube. While zipping it up.. the rubber just gripped my torso tight and it felt awesome. The sleeves are very short, which i’m not really used to when wearing normal t-shirts, but it definitely outlines the body nicely. Every movement, every stretch, every breath, the rubber moves and stretches with the body. Looking myself in the mirror, I see this guy who looks HOT, and it takes a while for my brain to process it and realize that it’s myself. I’ve never been proud of my body before this.

I’ve had the rubber t-shirt on ever since I got it out of the package, and still have it on as I’m typing this, 5.5 hours later. It feels so good and comfortable I don’t want to take it off. Just a couple of hours earlier I had put my sheath on and jerked off with a few fellow rubber buddies on webcam, sort of an initiation into my new rubber life. The feeling was intense, feeling the tight rubber on my body and my cock, with the heady latex smell drifing into my nostrils, and watching my friends (also in rubber) and myself on camera jerking off.

I feel like I am a different person now. The person I’ve been wanting to be for a VERY long time. I’ve finally ‘connected’ with my fetish fantasy life which has been out of reach until now. I feel accomplished, and I now carry an air of confidence of who I am and what I like. This is yet another step for me and I’m feeling positive and soaking in the experiences as they present themselves. This is only the beginning. BRING IT ON!

Cruising

Last night I took a big step in my self-exploration. I made my first trip to a gay cruising venue here in Melbourne called Club80.

Lets rewind back to two days prior, when I got a message from someone on WorldRubberMen inviting me to meet him at Club80 on Saturday night. First of all I’ve never even heard of the place before, and I hardly know this guy and he’s asking me to meet him there? Alarm bells were sounding in my head and I initially declined his offer, but after thinking about it for a day I decided to meet up with him after all, and I set some terms of my own. The rest of the day was in agony waiting for his response, and mentally preparing myself to go to his place which I’d never otherwise go. I’ve never even been to a gay bar or dance club, not to mention a gay cruising place.

He finally replied the message I left for him on the web site at about 6pm, and apologizing cos he would not be going there after all on that night. After all that rationalizing and calming of nerves I had done the whole day, I couldn’t just let it slip. Sure I was nervous as hell, but I was also curious and wanted to see what this place is like. Having visited the web site I was suitably impressed and intrigued by the facilites, and of course what goes on in the dimly lit halls. So i summed up my courage, after much persuasion from a few close online friends, got myself dressed (ripped jeans and a tight, white t-shirt) and off I went.

The place wasn’t hard to find, and I paid the $15 and was let through the heavy wooden door. It was around 9 when i got there and there weren’t many people around then, so i walked around
checking the place out. Of the people that were there, some were using the computers, others watching the movies in the movie lounge. The main lounge areas are on the 1st floor and at the back there are stairs leading up to the cruising zone and loft, and down to the ‘dungeon’. So I went up and everything was like I saw in the photos on their site, and then some. Very industrial-looking, with pipes, metal bars, railings and stairs, with dim lighting all around. The main cruising area has lots of small cubicle rooms, some with beds, some without. Further upstairs was the ‘loft’ which has about 5 or 6 rooms and they all have leather slings in them. There are iron prison bars which can be looked through into the rooms from the corridor but a shutter can be pulled down from inside if you want privacy.

At the time I was walking around, the ground floor ‘dungeon’ was still closed but there were posters announcing that there was a special thing going on… “Megafist” which from what I gathered was a regular meet by members of a Yahoo Group of the same name, into fisting, obviously. The doors were only to be opened at 10pm. Next door to the dungeon is another cruising area that totally pitch black and is like a maze of oil drums stacked up to form walls. You can peep through the gaps into the dungeon area, where I saw there were 2 or 3 slings and a few more private rooms.

It was in the pitch black darkness when i was looking through, that someone came and felt me up from behind, groping hands around my ass and up my chest. I sorta panicked for a bit, not knowing what to do next. To let him continue to what? I turned around and we kissed a bit. Then he asked me if i wanted to go to a room upstairs for some fun. Ok, so i agreed.

There was kissing, hugging and sucking… and he asked if I wanted to be fucked. I wasn’t so sure about that so I kinda dissuaded him, but then he asked if I wanted to fuck him instead. So I decided to give it a go, and rubbered and lubed up my cock, but getting my dick into his anus was a lot harder than I imagined! In my frustration and nervousness I kinda lost my hard-on, which was embarassing, which made it even worse and i couldn’t get it back. eeeeeps. It was most probably because I wasn’t particularly attracted to him after seeing him in slightly better light. I apologized for my poor ‘performance’ and we went for some juice at the bar. We sat down and chatted a bit, but there were no sparks and I was losing interest. He gave me his number with the hopes of me calling him back but I would seriously doubt it.

I was still a bit tense and shaken, so I chilled out at the lounge reading the papers, and using the computers for a bit of surfing. Around half-past-midnight I went cruising again, both upstairs and downstairs around the dungeon area. There were more people around now and the people in the upstairs cruise zone standing about. Talk about being in a ‘meat market’! I saw a lot of hot men in leather chaps and jeans, and a lot of shaven and short-cropped heads (which I have a soft spot for). I guess it all goes with the look.

I wasn’t sure of what’s supposed to happen and protocols etc., so i just walked right through the hallways checking people out (as well as I could in the dim light). I went round a few times. I saw a cool guy in an army uniform and passed him by a few times. he’d seen me and smiled at me before, so i eventually built up the guts to stop and chat him up, complimenting his outfit. So we chatted a bit then went back down to the bar and got some drinks and chatted some more, about our backgrounds and sex and fetishes.

It seems he’s more into role playing and bondage of the army trainer kind of scenes, and he asked me if we wanted to go and ‘play’ a bit. I agreed to it, and he was very accomodating. He let me decide how we play and how far it goes. So we role played a bit and I was his recruit. There was kissing, tit play, submission of control (eg. “Your cock is mine now, boy. I own it and you do not touch it without my permission, boy. Do you understand, boy?”), that kind of stuff, which was a first for me. He’d order me to do stuff like play with his cock and balls, tits etc., and he’d play with my cock and balls while I’m ‘at ease’. Then he had me face the wall with my hands held up high and jerked me off while standing behind me, with his cock between my legs and made me stroke it. He made me cum that way, holding me tight from behind, kissing my neck, with me pinned against the wall, and blowing my load on it. After that I was still under his control and he made me play with his tits while he jerked himself off to orgasm. After that we just stayed in the room and laid on the bed. I sat between his legs, my back on his chest and we just relaxed and enjoyed the cuddling and chatted about stuff.

We got along really well and before we knew it, it was 2am and he had to make a move as he had things to do the next day. He offered to send me back home which was a relief as there was no more public transport at that time and I’d otherwise have to take a cab.

On the whole it was a good, positive experience for me. I still feel a bit ‘dirty’ for going to place like this which in my conscience would be a dodgy and seedy place to be… but then again it was an eye opening experience to see what goes on behind these closed doors. My partner for the night was telling me, usually when ‘cruising’ people just go straight to the sex without much talk, but I, on the other hand, prefer to know the person a bit before doing anything. I guess that part of me is keeping me ‘safe’ from this otherwise risky behaviour.

The other thing, is that I think I feel more comfortable around guys more than girls. I think it’s to do with knowing what the other person wants. Women are like a totally different species to me. Is this the confirmation I needed to know that I’m for a fact, gay? Tough call, that. In any case, I’ve definitely taken one step forward in life yesterday by overcoming the fear and tension of going to Club80. I’ve already crossed the threshold and I wouldn’t hesitate to go back there and other bars and venues too.