Rollercoasters

This last couple of weeks have proven to be a mental and emotional rollercoaster ride for me. So many things have been going through my head. It all started with that fateful trip to Club80. That really was the one that opened up Pandora’s Box. It’s the first time I’ve gone out and meet strangers for casual, semi-anonymous sex, and all the risks that come along with that. In the days that followed, I’ve been having waves of worry and panic over my actions and the off-chance that I may have caught a STD or even HIV.

I’m pretty sure I took all the necessary precautions and never engaged in unsafe behavior, but when I came down with flu-y symptoms mid last week, my mind couldn’t shake the thought. Thing is, Melbourne weather turned wet and cold around the same time, and there appears to be a bug going around and half the people I know here have been down with the the flu in the past 2 weeks.

Besides that, I’ve been having vast mood swings. Starting from the weekend I went to Club80, I received my first rubber t-shirt on the following monday and the days that followed, I was on an euphoric high. I felt brave and confident of my own identity and that I had ‘arrived’ as a man. Then suddenly on Wednesday night I had an encounter with a rubberman who was in town visiting. While it was an exciting first play in rubber, but ultimately I left disappointed because in the end it was just sex, without tenderness and companionship. This man had a boyfriend where he came from, and that probably hit me hard that after this, he’d still have someone to go home to and that left me feeling empty inside.

I was in a mild depression for the next few days, questioning my actions and feelings. Why was I feeling so good about myself and it was ‘bad’ behaviour. The angel and the devil on my shoulders were at war, because for the first time in my life, I let the devil out and did ‘naughty’ things, totally out of my character. And the angel wasn’t too happy about that, my enjoyment of those guilty pleasures. It was around then I was coming down with the flu and that gave more cannon fodder for the argument against my promiscuity.

At this point I started forming my own thoughts on what I wanted out of an encounter. The things I liked and the things I didn’t. Setting up my ground rules, and boundries, now that I have had SOME experience and tried a few things with people. For one I’ve decided I don’t want a quick fuck with an anonymous person. I’d rather know him as a friend first, which makes it all the more meaningful, even if it doesn’t lead to anything beyond that.

And it was on Sunday when I got the invitation to meet up, and right off the bat I already stated what I was looking for, and so happened he was agreeable to my terms, and also wasn’t looking for a quick fuck in the dark. That opened me up a bit and who would have thought how it had ended up the way it did.

I guess what happened that day was that I finally realized I had a void in my life i never knew I did. I was lonely and desparate for companionship. I’ve always led an independent life, brushing off suggestions to find a partner and settle down because I want to lead my life the way I want to, and being able to move around as and when I please. Although I’ve had girlfriends before, I’ve never felt this level of intimacy with them. I was so comfortable and at ease with S that night, despite only having known him for a few hours. Everything just felt right. It wasn’t just about the rubber and the sex anymore. I felt connected with him on a deeper level. It’s probably too early to speculate and having any expectations so I will not even attempt to do so, but I’m very happy for what happened to me that fateful night and this week I’m in euphoria again.

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