Revived

So, I’ve let this blog rot and it has been years since the last post back when it was originally hosted on Blogger. I’ve imported all my blog posts from the old site into WordPress on this domain now. Surprisingly, I still sometimes get feedback and messages about stuff I wrote all those years ago, and it seems like the one about the Aneros has gotten quite a few people interested in trying it. I should probably write a follow-up to that ;)

Things have been fairly quiet for me on the fetish front for the past couple of years. I had been in a unhappy relationship leading to a messy break-up a few years ago. I wasn’t happy at work then and ended up in depression without even realising it. I stopped going to to gay and fetish dance parties because I was fed up with the pretentious scene. I hardly enjoyed myself at those events, and never get what I want out of them, often going home feeling empty and sorry for myself.

Since moving up to Sydney around this time last year, things have gotten MUCH better. I’m actually feeling quite upbeat nowadays. The job I moved up there for has been good and everything I hoped for. My partner ‘A’ also moved up here with me, and I’m glad he did. I’ve also got a bit more free time and have been pursuing my other hobbies and interests such as photography.

The Sydney rubber scene is dismal, there aren’t a lot of venues and events catering to the fetish community. The Sydney Leather Pride Association organises some stuff, but I’ve only been to a couple of things so far. It also doesn’t help that there isn’t a permanent venue like a local leather bar where one can just go out in gear for a few drinks and hang out with their friends or meet new, like-minded people.

I haven’t been in touch with my rubber fetish very much in the past few years, but one thing I decided to do this year is to attend Mr. International Rubber in Chicago. It’s something I’ve been thinking about doing for a long time now, and it’s always been pushed back due to finances or other conflicting plans. I got my MIR weekend package tickets as soon as they were publicly available online, and am now organising the other aspects of the trip. I’ve really excited about it and can’t wait for November. I’ve been to Folsom Europe in Berlin a couple of times, and Chicago seems like a long way to go for this, but MIR is an event exclusively for rubber fetishists and I’m looking forward to meeting guys from all over and finally connect with a community that is sadly missing in Australia.

This past year has seen a whole lot of changes in my life, and I’m sure this trip will also revive the development of my rubber fetish and opening myself up to new experiences.

Coming Out

3rd August 2005 – The fateful day that I finally spilt the beans.

My mom had been visiting and staying with me, and the week before, she had met S at a dinner I had organized. In the following days, while just chatting to her, she kept mentioning that some of her closest friends are gay and how amazed she is when they show her glimses of their lifestyle, and how different it is in reality to what the media stereotypes homosexuals to be. I had no idea why she was telling me all of this.

On Tuesday night the 2nd, I was freaking out. I had been thinking of coming out to mom for a few months now, trying to figure out the right time and place, and thinking of what to say. She was staying with me, so i didn’t feel comfortable calling up S on the phone to talk as the walls in this apartment are paper-thin. So I texted him and had him go online and chatted there.

S had already met her and enjoyed her company, and I believe the reverse was true too. He was utterly convinced she already knew about me being gay. But even still, I couldn’t help but to worry and get anxious about how she would react, and anticipating the worst. I finally decided I’d take her out to brunch the next day.

Wednesday morning. I was up early and at my computer. Mom came in the lounge room for a bit, then was on her way to the kitchen to make her coffee… I stopped her and asked if she’d like to go out for brunch. She was a bit surprised but said she’d have her coffee first, then wash up and change.

We took a stroll down to a nearby cafe and had a leisurely breakfast, talking about all sorts. Work, family, my brothers. A few times I tried to steer the conversation to something which I could segue into my coming out. But it just didn’t happen. We finished breakfast, mom even had a second cup of coffee. We got up, paid and started walking back. We’d have to walk through a park on the way back and I thought that’d be a great place to tell her… but we walked, and we talked, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

It was literally 2 doors away from my apartment block when I just stopped in my tracks. It was now or never. I couldn’t get a better chance to do this, so I did. I told her, “Mom, I’ve got something to tell you.” followed by a long pause. I tried to remember everything I prepared to say to her, but I blanked out. I continued, “OK, I’ll just get straight to the point. I’m gay.” Her response? “That’s alright son… I kinda figured already.”

My head was spinning. The sense of relief was unbelievable. All the pressure released like air from a balloon. The only thing I could think of to say at that point, was to ask her “so what made you think so?” Her answer was that it was from her observation at how I was unable to commit to my previous (hetero) relationships. This would mean she actually figured it out before even I did myself!

Back in the apartment, while she was preparing some lunch for my brother, I continued talking to her about me being gay and I was so relieved that she is so comfortable with the fact. She even picked up that S was my partner, even though nobody said a word and during dinner we were both trying our best to hide it.

When I told S all that had happened, he said it must have been one of the world’s easiest coming outs ever. Almost a anti-climatic non-event, even. He was a little bit disappointed that there wasn’t more drama involved, but still proud of me for what I did. I have to thank him for the support and encouragement to finally be able to be honest with my own mom.

I told a few of my gay friends about this, including B, from way back. It was also his birthday on that day and his reply was “That’s the best birthday present I’ve ever got!”. Another friend in Sydney thought I was utterly mad for having come out to my mom. But having said that, he had his family staying over a couple of weeks later, and he too decided to come out to mom. Apparently I was some sort of inspiration for him to do so.

On hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have been as anxious as I was, but when you’re put in that position, you just can’t help to worry about what the outcome would be like. I’m out to my mom now, but still not to my brothers, nor to my ‘old’ friends who know me from school or uni life. They will all know, someday.

The Year That Was

Wow. What a year it has been. A big year of growth and transformation for me. Death and rebirth.

At the time I started this blog, I was in an emotional flux, and only starting to explore my rubber fetish in earnest. I’ve since acquired some rubber gear, enough to proudly say I have a complete outfit now.

I’ve also met some interesting people and found love amidst some thorny experiences.

There was a big gap in my blog posts after that, but during that time, S and I have gotten closer and guess what, he’s my boyfriend now. It kinda crept up on us. I didn’t realize or even expect he’d be feeling the same about me. We’ve shared a lot of experiences together, and even had very similar situations happen in our respective lives. I’ve had a family tragedy this year and S was there to give me the support I needed badly at the time. He understood what I was going through and gave me a reason to live and look forward to.

I am totally at ease around S, and we’ve done a lot of exploring of my sexuality and fetish. We’ve had the most mind-blowing sex ever. He’s introduced me to mild bondage with cling-wrap, the use of amyl and breath control. We’ve given each other the most sensual full body massages. I enjoy his touch and cuddles. And it’s not always about rubber, we also enjoy plain ‘ol vanilla sex. He is caring and sensitive, yet not pushy and demanding. He nurtures me without being constricting. We sometimes have differing ideas and preferences of fun, but we always work it out and accommodate each other’s wishes.

I’ve come a long way with the awareness of who I am and what I like, sexually. I’ve also realized love comes in all shapes and sizes and that it doesn’t matter what gender that person is. I have finally learnt what real love feels like and to further confirm that, I’m missing S dearly this festive season while we’re both away at our respective family homes. I’m counting the days till I see him again.

Redemption Melbourne

Wow, what a weekend. Last Saturday there was a dance party called Redemption, themed ‘Spartacus’ for the Melbourne Leather Festival. Dress code called for leather, or fetish-wear like rubber, pvc or uniforms.

I went with S in full rubber, me in my rubber t-shirt and his rubber jeans, and i had bought a pair of 10-hole Doc Marten boots for the occassion. On the night itself, while changing we swapped boots as his DM’s were shiny leather and went with my outfit better. So here we were, two rubbermen on their way to a night out of fun. Just before we left, though, I suddenly became incredibly nervous about going out in public wearing rubber, especially in a full outfit from head to toe. It’s like my secret obsession and I didn’t want to be seen in it. But S calmed me down and reassured me.

First stop was to the Peel, a popular gay bar, but it was early and wasn’t too exciting, so we took a stroll down to the Laird instead. The crowd was more our kind, and there were two other rubbermen there (though they were older men and not quite to our taste). After having some drinks we caught a cab and made our way down to the city for the main event.

The party was spread over two levels, but most people were on the lower level where the dance floor was. As expected, there were more guys in leather than anything else. Seemed like it was only me and my friend in rubber. Saw a few other guys with tight skimpy shorts which might have been rubber but we couldn’t be sure. might have been PVC, but still a bit disappointing in that respect that there weren’t many rubbermen there. Besides that, it was a pretty good mixed crowd of older and younger guys. Some nice eye candy to be checked out, including a cute guy in a paramedic overall.

The music was great, and I hadn’t gone dancing in ages and it made me realize how much I missed it. I was feeling incredibly sexy while wearing full rubber, and the nervousness I had earlier had totally dissipated. I was enjoying myself among my kind of people.

Really enjoyed myself and we were there until almost 4am when we made our way back, exhausted. I had the most fun in a very long time.

Escapism

After a disappointing work-related meeting today, I’ve dipped again. Now I have additional things to worry about, job-wise.

On the advice of my best online rubber buddy, (yes, you!), I put on my rubber shirt. My fetish life is my escape from the real world. A chance to clear my mind and be one with myself. My second skin is the one I can truly be comfortable in.

As I sat here, in front of the computer, feeling the rubber tightening around my body, my hands start feeling my body through it. I feel comfortable and reassured. My mind drifts. I close my eyes and think of S and what happened on Sunday, replaying the same thoughts that I’ve been having every night just before I fall asleep, and the first thing when I wake up in the morning. I feel calm and relaxed, a little tingly with chills running up my spine, but also a strong longing for his touch and cuddles which I already miss so much.

Is this what love feels like? Am I in love? I can’t say for sure. But at this time I can only remember the good time I had and cherish it, until the next time I get to see him again.